Same white coat... New pair of shoes.

I have finished my first three weeks of psychiatry. I worked with the Detox team. I saw lots of broken and addicted people. Some wanted help, some didn't, and so many relapsed. The same people coming back over and over for the same thing. It was just not my cup of tea. I felt so frustrated. I couldn't empathize with these patients. I don't know what they feel like. Empathy is such an important thing for a physician-patient relationship. I felt sorry for these people, but I couldn't feel with them. There was a barrier there that I never figured out how to break down.

I wanted to update where I was at this point, but Psych is not the subject of this post. All the things that have happened away from the hospital is the reason for this blog entry.

I have "stepped" into a new role without realizing what was happening. In my family, I am a daughter, a fiance, a sister, a granddaughter, a future daughter-in-law, a niece, a cousin. The latest thing I have become is medical advisor. My grandmother has had 2 strokes in 2 weeks... I am a concerned granddaughter, just like any granddaughter would be, except I know more. Instead of just being worried, I'm thinking about a differential diagnosis, etiology, pathology, and running risk/benefit scenarios in my head. I am also the one they are asking the questions, "now what?" and "what should we do?" or "will it get better?". There is also another side to this... When it comes to my family's health, I don't know if knowledge is a blessing or curse. I don't know if I will like knowing as much as I do when it comes to my family's health. Sometimes knowing the reality and the survival odds can leave little room for hope. Hope is what keeps us going in those situations. It is what we cling to so much. It keeps us from throwing in the towel. It presses us to keep putting one foot in front of another. What will win the next time I am faced with this? Will my face shine hope or will it show skepticism?

This past weekend, all these questions I was pondering and the reality of all that was happening hit me hard. I felt a new weight on my shoulders. The people I've looked to for answers are now looking to me. Will I lead them astray? I found peace in the fact that Matthew 10:20 says "For it is not you who speak, but it is the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you." If I am where I should be in my walk with Christ, God will direct me to give the advice to my family that they need. The burden is not mine to carry. It is not on my back, but in his hands. If I trust in Him, he will take care of me and the health of my family.

I know my family reads this... I love you all. I am so glad that I can help out our family in this way. I am gladly embracing this role I've been given. God led me here. He has blessed me with the skills to become a doctor. None of it would have been possible without you. You've been beside me all the way. To my future family... I love you all too. You've been great cheerleaders as well. I'm so very blessed to be joining a family as solid as yours.



See you at the Great Delta Bear Affair on Oct. 23!!

A few pics for thought: